An internet associate of mine, not one of my colleagues, contends that there is a difference between being nice and being kind, especially as a woman. According to her, nice conjures the image of the “good girl”: cloying, saccharine, devoid of personality . According to my friend, Nice conforms to the expectations of others, even at their own emotional or mental expense, to avoid hurting the feelings of others. Nice never challenges authority, asks why, or other questions that may be uncomfortable or awkward. Nice is a doormat par excellence. Ultimately, Nice is the woman who ends up losing her mind and committing violence in order to reassert her independence and right to say, “no”.
Kind, on the other hand, has no problem saying “no” when appropriate though it is not said with cruelty or malice; of course, there will be exceptions to that rule. Kind is giving and caring but does not suffer ingrates. The Kind woman can certainly choose to walk on broken glass to help another person, usually their child who they love regardless of said child’s behavior. More importantly, Kind understands that she is not Superwoman, nor should she be and that there are certain things she cannot or will not do.
When my friend posted her ponderings, it was the first time I had seen anyone draw such a well-defined difference between those synonyms. It made me stop and think how I describe myself. I have come to the conclusion that I am definitely kind, though I have been nice in the past. It was an aberration in personality, for which I paid dearly. The reason this is an important consideration for women is because we are socialized to be giving to others even when we should not. We learn at a very early age that in order to be considered a proper woman, “deserving” of all the consideration and praise our foremothers received, our lives will be one of self-sacrifice. If we say “no” then that automatically makes us a bad: girlfriend, wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, and so on. To be Nice, always say “yes” with a smile! As a result, when the proper woman finally gathers the strength to say No, just once, it is usually screamed and loaded with frustration, anger, sadness and all sundry of negative feelings.
It is very stressful. Having been in that situation in the past, I resolved to change my approach.
Now when I extend myself, it is with genuine desire to do so and I do so enthusiastically…with my clients, for example. Hence the rigorous screening process. I rarely have to say “no” at all, since I carry myself in a way that precludes any thought that I may have “welcome” tattooed on my back. But when I do say, “no”, it is matter-of-fact and devoid of resentment or hostility…with a couple of personal exceptions. While I believe the average man may want the Nice Girl, the smart, exceptional man wants and appreciates the Kind Woman. Certainly, he will always know where he stands with a Kind Woman!
